Friday, Aug. 13, 2004 - 2:38 p.m.

Common street food here in Taiwan. Left: grilled squid,Right: watermelon juice.

So much for a break. hahahah. Had to check on my plane ticket info again, so while I'm in this damn internet cafe....might as well tell ya something new.

I was really calm about leaving until the ticket arrangements started yesterday. Then, last night my head was spinning with TO DO things. ugh. I feel like in the past month I have made my peace with a lot of things I HATE about Taiwan. I dont like them, but I accept they are their own fuckedupness and I dont need to get angry about them. Now I have to make peace with the fact that I simply will NOT get every thought and every image of importance before I leave Taiwan.

This is a hard one for me. I know that Taiwan is a place that you will have to drag me kicking and screaming back to. I know it. So everything I wanna say and do and see I need to get out of my system in the next 30 days. Combine this with a Taiwan overload and no motivation and you have my anxiety. Why do I care? I dont fucking know really! hahahaha. Maybe I am just masking my own nervousness about going home...

Why be nervous about that? Simple. I have NOT done anything that I am proud of in this 10 months. How do I answer all of the questions of friends and new work acquaintances about Taiwan. "Oh I hated it and spent most of my time eating greasy, watery, tasteless food in my shoebox, air conditioned apartment while dreading the next day of work." I dont think this will go over well. ugh again.

I dont want to lie about my time here, and I wont. But I hate to sound like such a bad traveler, even though I probably am. Its one thing to bitch about something online....its entirely another when you are sitting around a dinner table with friends and start ranting about shitty weather and stepping in piss and shit everytime you go to the bathroom. ugh for the third time.

But most of all, I think I am a bit scared of the reverse culture shock awaiting me.