Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 12:40 a.m.

Still in limbo on the staying or going issue, but am getting a feeling that its on the go. I sold some of my apt stuff today, and getting more emails on that then before. Think its the universe warning me not to be too bummed when I am told I must go. I still dont know which option I prefer at this point. Really!

There is a really big part of me that feels like I have taken 12 steps (not 11, 12 dammit) backwards since coming here. I dont know if its the resemblance of this place to my childhood hometown in PA, or if I really am slowly rotting away from the inside out.

What I can tell you for sure is that I really dont feel like I have learned or experienced much since I got here. I know on a logical level this simply cant be true, but there it is. That nagging thought that I have been treading water for 10 months.

See what happens when I dont walk? Wed I have an early class, so walking is not a kind option. And afterwards I had plans to eat hot pot with a friend. So I needed to vroom, vroom. But I def missed the leg movement. No matter, I will be at it again tomorrow.

Oh, I have to say this before I forget again. The friend I saw tonight is my local buddy who thinks I look like Meg Ryan. I die everytime she tells me this. Make NO mistake about it, I look nothing like Meg. I think she is quite attractive, but I am not there. I am more of a Botticelli Babe to be honest. Oh yeah, love those curves and funky Italian nose and hair.

Which brings me to this topic. Plastic surgery. There was a question in my mind when I decided to do this eye surgery if it would lead to other money bought appearance enhancements. Just to set the record straight, I wanted my eyes done so I could have a simpler life. Glasses are a fucking pain in the ass, no two ways about it.

I have/had two dreams when it comes to my physical self.

1. ride a bicycle with no glasses and be able to see clearly (as opposed to the blurry version of this dream I was living til recently)

2. to run on a beach with a white, ribbed tank top and no bra. And not kill myself, my back, or give myself black eyes (you know what I am talking about).

Both surgeries are much cheaper on this side of the world. I choose the eye one first cause it seemed the least invasive with daily life. if i only knew! haha. (actually, i can feel improvement every day, and its only been 10 days. the moments of clear vision and no pain are pure miracles.)

But what if after I get the boobs chopped off I want to do something else? I am not doing either thing to look better. I want my freedom to be physically active, and both glasses and big breasts hinder this movement. I know, there are people that have worse eyes/bigger breasts and they are dealing. But I dont have to just deal. I like thriving, not surviving. (that sounds soooooooo cheesy.)

But what if I do start a long chain of plastic surgery. I think we are more likely to witness global peace than this happening. Really.

But plastic surgery in Asia has taken off like mad. Eye surgeries, to alter the shape of the eyelid, not the laser type, is soooooooooo common. Esp in Korea I am told. Then there are the boob jobs (increasing, not decreasing like I wanna do), and more. K. was telling me about a face surgery that is common here where they literally saw the face bone til it is the desired thinner Western shape. Oi!

But all this keeps the question in my head, is there really a difference between abusive plastic surgery and life betterment surgery. I wonder. I wonder.