Thursday, Jul. 15, 2004 - 1:47 a.m.

From what I understand Christine is one of the founding minds behind what is now Forumosa.com, THE online discussion board for English speaking foreigners in Taiwan. Forumosa.com

Yes, I am aware that the quote sounds a but uppity, but I like how big picture and broad minded it all sounds. I tend to think a lot in ideas and themes and the like, and a lot of people almost shake me with words and say things like,"But what are you doing?" "Where did you go?" etc. etc. I have gotten better speaking more down to earth and tangible, but it is not naturally how my mind processes things. I dont want for this to be the case, it just is.

While I was watching The Family Man tonight a particular moment hit me and set my mind wheeling. It was not even a memorable scene. The wifey character and the hubby guy are chatting while the woman is reading in bed. You can see all of her books on this big sidetable and all the clutter on that side of the room. They just spent the past few days (movietime) talking about moving from this house, and the woman was flat against this idea for some damn good reasons.

But all I could focus on was the clutter. And the equally nagging envy and dread of being in one place long enough for it to take ages to sort through your STUFF. It was then I remembered something from my childhood. Its funny, because since I started traveling a lot the past few years I thought that maybe this restlessness was somewhat new to me. This is not the case at all. Not even close.

When my family lived in New York my sister and I shared a somewhat cluttered bedroom. But when I was 8 years old, we moved to Pennsyl-fucking-vania. As you can tell, I did not like it there. It was VERY conservative and boring as hell. And there were no hot dog street vendors with Yoohoo for sale!

But I did have my own room there. And within girly options I was able to choose the color of the paint on my walls. This was Freedom with a capital F for my family. But I am digressing.

What I remembered tonight is that every few months I always changed the furniture around in my room. I dont remember WHEN I started doing this, I just remember it driving my family mad with noise and confusion. WHY? being the main concern. Even my childhood friend Michelle started to question my constant need for change. I never really questioned it myself until now. Its funny how when youre a kid you just trust your instincts, and when you grow up you start doubting something even if it feels right.

I cant explain WHY I feel the need to seek out new experiences. I just do. But I DO wonder WHY there has to be a reason.

It wouldnt bug me what people asked me if I didnt have a nagging voice in the back of my head saying some of the same things. Like "When are you going to settle down and start a life." (arent I living a life now? is the response to this one) or "Why dont you find a nice guy and get married? Thats whats missing from your life? (this one is straight from an old work acquaintance.) etc.etc.

Sigh.

When will traveling and working overseas leave my head as being a "phase" in my life? I need it to so that I can flow with this uncommon lifestyle. Even now when I think about going home for a bit I wonder if I will stay long term. I dont NEED to know this, what I NEED is to let go of knowing. Oi! This is not easy for a Capricorn. Esp. one with so much fire in her damn sign. Why am I talking about myself in the third person? Dunno.